Erotic Massages and Babysitting
by EvaH2Os
Summary: House and Cuddy mess with each other via Craig's List.


"Cuddy," Lisa said picking up her phone.

"Dr. Lisa?" Came a male voice.

"Yes," Cuddy answered. She had had five patients call in the last thirty minutes to schedule a consult with her. She wasn't sure if a magazine or journal had recently written her up or something, but she knew something was going on.

"I'd like to schedule a consult." The man said.

"Any doctor in particular?" she asked wondering if this was yet another call for her.

"With Dr. Lisa," The man said clearing his throat awkwardly.

"I don't have any more openings this week, but is this maybe something we could discuss via phone." She asked juggling the phone between her ear and shoulder as she flipped through her calendar book.

"I guess." The man said sounding somewhat confused.

"Let's get started." Lisa said after a long silence.

"I'm sliding off my pants," The man said coolly.

"Is this about your groin?" Lisa asked as she began to feel like something was up.

"I'm slipping off my boxers, and yes, there it is. My groin." He said sounding very happy for a man with a supposed groin problem.

"Alright, tell me about your groin." Lisa asked. The man chuckled into the phone, and Lisa looked around to see if House was hiding somewhere laughing.

"It's growing," The man almost whispered.

"Larger than normal?" Cuddy asked. Maybe she should schedule him an appointment with Wilson, this was sounding like prostate cancer.

"Like a tree." He whimpered into the phone. Maybe a Urologist was necessary.

"I'm going to transfer you to Dr. Kevin Smith, he works in Urology and I think he's the doctor you need to be speaking too." Cuddy said

"A dude?" The man spat back.

"Well, yes." Cuddy said confused.

"I called in for an erotic massage and then I get really bad phone sex and now your transferring me to a dude!" The man sounded outraged.

"An erotic massage!" Cuddy choked on her own spit. Something was definitely going on.

"Free Erotic massages, schedule a 'consult' with Dr. Lisa – You know, the add you put on Craig's list this morning." The man said.

"You have the wrong number." Cuddy slammed the phone down. She bolted from her office and stormed up to the diagnostic's room. House was in big trouble.

"Dr. Lisa!" she yelled pushing open the glass door.

"No, I'm Dr. House you're Dr. Lisa." House said slowly. House's fellows were giving her an odd look.

"House, you are in so much trouble. Free erotic massages! Do you really think I would believe that anyone else could do that! I'm a doctor House, your boss in fact." Cuddy practically screeched.

"I'll pull the add down." House smirked. Taub looked amused, Foreman didn't even look up from his file, and Thirteen looked horrified.

"Is this why seventeen little girls called my private cell phone number last week asking about the free kittens?" Thirteen said sounding annoyed. House cracked a smile.

"I'm blocking Craig's list from the hospital computers." Cuddy said as she practically shoved House towards his computer.

"-and it's been deleted. Don't get those magic fingers in a twist." House shook his head.

"I could kill you right now." Cuddy said storming out. She had a lot of consults to cancel. Making her way back into her office she brainstormed how to punish him. If she gave him more clinic hours she'd really only be punishing the team. She'd have to get even with him.

Settling down behind her desk, Cuddy opened up Craig's list to block it from the PPTH computers. Staring at the site, she had an idea.

She opened up a new add and began to type.

_Free infant babysitting. Good with difficult children. Call Dr. Gregg House. Available 24/7. _

She attached House's cell phone number because she knew that while he picked up his work line more putting his work line would only further distract him from his already too small patient load.

______________________

House dismissed his team for the day once they had finally diagnosed their five-year-old patient. He was glad the bugger was gone; he hated working with children.

He noticed Thirteen glaring at him as she left the office. He smiled back and considered asking her if she had any kittens left. House was a little upset that Cuddy had realized what was going on so soon. He still had hoped to put up adds for Chase, Cameron, Taub, and Foreman.

He shrugged figuring he could probably find a different way to annoy them. Pulling out his cell phone to ask Wilson for a ride home, House noticed he had a missed call from an unfamiliar number.

He called it back.

"Gregg House?" A woman on the other end of the line said.

"Yes," House answered wondering how she knew his name.

"This is Maria Glass, I'm calling about your babysitting service." The women said.

"Oh," House answered knowing Cuddy was behind this. He considered hanging up for a moment, but figured it might piss Cuddy off more if he enjoyed this and maybe made a bit of money.

"Cody's nine, and I know this is pretty last minute but I need a sitter for tonight." The women continued. House had already forgotten her name.

"Alright, could you drop him off at Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital." House said wondering why anyone in their right mind would trust him with their child. Although just a simple google search would prove he was a world-renowned doctor, and everyone always seemed to trust doctors.

"I'll be there in fifteen." The women answered, "Thank you so much."

House hung up and casually strode down into the lobby. He could handle a nine-year-old, no problem. He'd just worked with a five-year-old for the past week; this would be a piece of cake.

A few minutes later House was dozing on a bench by the front entrance when a woman with a baby tapped his shoulder.

"What?" House said giving her a once over.

"This is Cody." The woman smiled putting a baby in his arms.

"He's nine?" House lifted an eyebrow.

"Yes, nine months exactly. Anyway, here's my address I'll be back around midnight so you can drop him off around then." The women said before jetting off. House stood up dumbfounded. He took a look at the little blond infant in his arms. The little boy giggled and a bubble of spit formed around his mouth.

House gave the child a dirty look, which only caused it to laugh harder. Putting the baby bag around his shoulder House sighed. He'd drop the over grown fetus off at the hospital nursery and come back in a few hours.

Making his way down the hallway with the child he got a few odd glances.

"Brenda, meet Gregory House jr." House said dancing by his favorite nurse. Her eyes snapped to the baby and she looked at him speechless.

House smiled as he limped his way downstairs to the daycare center. This was actually turning out rather well for him.

"I'd like to drop this little bugger off." House said holding out the baby to the young nurse standing in front of the daycare center.

"Daycare is full." The women said not taking the baby. House continued to hold the child out.

"This is an emergency." House said vehemently.

"Sorry, Dr. House." The women said insincerely. House wondered what he did at some point to piss her off. He'd have to start being nice to the nurses.

"Fine," House muttered pulling the baby back into his chest. He had a new idea. Calling up a cab he gave the driver directions to Dr. Cuddy's house. It was her fault he was in this mess, so she'd have to look after the nugget.

"Thanks," House said handing the driver a ten and stepping out. He figured putting the baby on his bike was a bad choice, and while he was out ten dollars he figured babysitting would probably cover that.

He climbed the steps as best he could with a cane, an infant, and a diaper bag and proceeded to bang on the door. The sound of crying was hear a moment later. House looked at Cody who had a peaceful glazed look in his eyes. House must have disturbed Rachel.

"What?" Cuddy said answering the door. Rachel was balanced on her hip and she did not look particularly pleased. However, upon noticing the baby she began to smile.

"You have got to be kidding me." Cuddy shook her head as she invited House in. Cuddy set Rachel down in her high chair and pulled over a basinet for House to set Cody in.

"Who's this little guy?" Cuddy asked with a smile as she tickled the blond baby.

"This demon spawn is Cody." House said trying to get the boy who began kicking into the basinet. He finally set the boy down and he began to sob.

"House, pick him back up." Cuddy said.

"No," House replied as he stared at the screaming baby. Rachel began to cry to and Cuddy did not look too pleased. House rolled his eyes and picked up the child. Cody immediately stopped crying. Rachel followed suit and shut up too.

"How long are you babysitting for?' Cuddy asked with a hint of a smirk.

"Another two hours." House said glancing at his watch.

"Don't you just love children?' she asked not bothering to hide her laughter.

"I'll love the easy cash," House said trying not to let his annoyance show through. He would not let her have the satisfaction of knowing she won this war.

"Actually, you advertised a free infant babysitting service," Cuddy informed him.

"You have got to be kidding me." House growled. He put his free hand to his temple and stared at the boy in his arm again.

"That's just you. Greg House – lover of children and constant giver." Cuddy said peacefully.

"I could kill you right now." House muttered. Cuddy looked pleased; she had successfully turned the tables.

"What am I supposed to do with the runt for another two hours?" House asked becoming bored with watching the child blow spit bubbles.

"Want to watch Winnie the Poo?" Cuddy asked cutely.

"Only if you give me an erotic massage." House wiggled his eyebrows.


End file.
